It was all good just a year ago; or was it really? In some ways my life was much simpler. I operated within an emotionless bubble, fending off all calamities of the heart. Protected by my bubble, which was reinforced with a tough exterior to block against pain, tears and heartache I was able to 'do me'. Engaging many men in this false world, I was always present enough to present myself as a woman capable of love, tenderness and emotional availability, but in reality, I was the opposite. I failed to let men in, maintaining my bubble, my protection from love, which had a connotation of pain.
I watched one particular relationship spark, ignite and eventually implode simply because I refused to let go of what I perceived as my protection. What I discovered however was that the entire time, my false sense of protection or security was a tangled web of control and fear. This discovery was painful in itself because it further highlighted my insecurities, immaturity and the level of selfishness that I operated on.
Through this discovery, I learned a great lesson. I learned that I was actually committing a crime against myself and others; I was not allowing myself the opportunity of really embracing the human experience. The human experience includes change, pain, challenges, etc., and it makes us into the people that we need to be to survive. I learned that without emotions and love, by relinquishing control and being considerate to others feelings, I would be fulfilled.
Everyday is a challenge, however now, I embrace it, and I look forward to being a partner in life and love.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Happily Smiling Wallowing in Ignorance
It took only a few moments, a drop in the bucket of life for me to fall in love with his smile. It took a little longer to fall in love with the imperfect man he is and the imperfect man he strives to be. I recall telling him, more like professing to him my love, intentions and feelings using statements like: 'I am ready to jump with my eyes wide shut'. I knew I was ready before Alica Keys put music to the statement. But, alas, love is dangerous, frightening, enlightening, beautiful and overall the one thing I crave. I crave the good of it as well as the bad. I want to black of love, the white of it and the grey bits.
I felt love with this beautiful black man, like I have never felt before. I want to be my best self to make him proud, willing to do almost anything to see that smile of his. I want him to want me to love him, for him to embrace this connection without reservations, without the self-imposed and maintained walls of protection.
To honestly tell someone how you feel about them takes guts, commitment and strength and I have proven to myself that I am capable of being the person in love that I need to be for myself. And now, as I lay alone in my bed, thinking, wondering, wishing that someone would have the same or similar feelings towards me, I have faith that the perfect situation for me will present itself and when if does I will be ready. Ready to enjoy the surprises, glances, the uptempo beat of my heart and the million dollar smile I'm sure he will have. Because if you can love once without reservations, you can do it again. And I will do it again and it will be the stuff that songs are written about.
I felt love with this beautiful black man, like I have never felt before. I want to be my best self to make him proud, willing to do almost anything to see that smile of his. I want him to want me to love him, for him to embrace this connection without reservations, without the self-imposed and maintained walls of protection.
To honestly tell someone how you feel about them takes guts, commitment and strength and I have proven to myself that I am capable of being the person in love that I need to be for myself. And now, as I lay alone in my bed, thinking, wondering, wishing that someone would have the same or similar feelings towards me, I have faith that the perfect situation for me will present itself and when if does I will be ready. Ready to enjoy the surprises, glances, the uptempo beat of my heart and the million dollar smile I'm sure he will have. Because if you can love once without reservations, you can do it again. And I will do it again and it will be the stuff that songs are written about.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Where does all of this Food Come From?
From 1997-2002 I worked on Independence Hall in Philadelphia for the National Constitution Center. Monday – Friday, week after week, year after year, I witnessed the calm, sometimes silent protests of American Farmers who held signs complaining that the government did not care about them or the nutrition of Americans. The protesters claimed that governmental policy benefits corporate America and downgraded the agricultural landscape of the country. At the time, the egotistical thought I had was ‘if this was true, why is there such an abundance of food at the supermarket?’
Well, flash forward to 2010. After years of silent, internal struggles concerning vegetarianism, I am a vegetarian; partaking in the occasional egg, dairy products and fish per physician recommendation. If it was up to me, I would be happy living on home grown ingredients that would combine to make cheese pizza. I made the switch over a two year period. First cutting out all meat except chicken and turkey and then eliminating it all. I will say, bacon is what I miss the most, but I have no desire to ingest it. I made this decision after a day of shopping, which took me to 2 supermarkets in one day. Both markets, regionally leading supermarkets were full with ‘fresh’ meat, poultry, fish, fruits and vegetables. I can clearly recall standing in the meat section in from of the butcher and thinking yet again, ‘how can there be an issue of food shortage and poor farmers if there is so much food’.
Industrialized Agriculture is the delicious answer. Farming that literally produces livestock, poultry, fish and crops based on scientific, economic and political needs. What are the benefits of scientific production of the nutrition of an entire country?
Maximum Production of Food
Contribution to the Economy
Convenience to Consumers
Who could argue with these benefits? Industrialized Agriculture is estimated to feed 6 million people worldwide. However, the actuality of Industrialized Agriculture is the following:
Maximum Production of Food – More livestock, crops and farm raised fish are being ‘produced’ for consumption. This production entails genetic engineering; chickens fully maturing in 45 days instead of 90+days. Cattle ranches holding thousands of cattle in small pens that do not allow for adequate movement or sanitation. Increased production of corn, over 80 million acres of corn crops, to support the mass production of livestock as a vital feed ingredient and to support its increased usage in a multitude of food and industrial products.
Contribution to the Economy – American Farmers are working with a limited amount of space. Space for farming does not increase, it decreases over time. Farmers rely on governmental subsidies to stay afloat. All subsidies provide extra income for the farmers and create a price floor for the commodity. However, based on the lobbyists in Washington, the actual commodities and the value of the subsidy depend on the crop. Currently corn is the top commodity for subsidy payments.
Convenience to Consumers – Consumers can enjoy a wealth of foods (seasonal included) all year round, with almost no lapse in availability. But picking tomatoes early and injecting them with or introducing various chemical cocktails to them, they can ripen in my bathroom medicine cabinet. Customers can get enjoy the chemically treated and factory produced foods that they love with a quick trip to their local market.
Nutritional Safety – Genetically engineered food and livestock being produces in a design of factory production. You’ve seen the photos, chickens in coops that are kept dark literally living in their own filth. Mad Cow disease being passed from livestock to spinach crops through water run-off.
Nothing I have said thus far cannot be found through surface research on the matter; seek and thou shall find. I will leave you with these final thoughts:
In 2005, Four Meat Packaging Giants had acquired production of over 80% of the beef, 60% of the pork and 50% of chickens in American slaughterhouses. These companies supply their biggest customer, the fast food industry and tailor their operations for the purpose of meeting the demand. These companies also have the financial ability to impact policy.
Poor people find it more economical to purchase fast food as opposed to fruits and vegetables. Poor diet leads to increased chances of various health problems and concerns; diabetes, heart problems, respiratory problems, etc. Local, state and federal government spend millions on nutritional programs aimed at low income individuals and families to attempt to keep them happy and drive down medical and RX costs.
Food is different. Have you seen a teenager lately? They are huge, built on a lifetime of consumption of genetically engineered foods, chemicals, 20 time bathed in ammonia meats has changed our children, families and country.
In the end, business is business. Money Talks, Bull-ish Walks. Walmart offers its customers Stonyfield Farms Organic products because they asked for it. A Major US Food Company brought Stonyfield Farms for Billions, but did not take over the management of the company because there is billions to be made in the organic foods industry. So, as a consumer, you have the choice to demand the quality food products you want for your family. Your dollar impacts the production. If we don’t purchase it, they won’t make it.
http://www.foodincmovie.com/about-the-film.php
http://www.foodincmovie.com/reading-list.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agricultural_subsidy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_agriculture
http://www.wikinvest.com/commodity/Corn
http://www.sustainabletable.org/issues/processing/
Well, flash forward to 2010. After years of silent, internal struggles concerning vegetarianism, I am a vegetarian; partaking in the occasional egg, dairy products and fish per physician recommendation. If it was up to me, I would be happy living on home grown ingredients that would combine to make cheese pizza. I made the switch over a two year period. First cutting out all meat except chicken and turkey and then eliminating it all. I will say, bacon is what I miss the most, but I have no desire to ingest it. I made this decision after a day of shopping, which took me to 2 supermarkets in one day. Both markets, regionally leading supermarkets were full with ‘fresh’ meat, poultry, fish, fruits and vegetables. I can clearly recall standing in the meat section in from of the butcher and thinking yet again, ‘how can there be an issue of food shortage and poor farmers if there is so much food’.
Industrialized Agriculture is the delicious answer. Farming that literally produces livestock, poultry, fish and crops based on scientific, economic and political needs. What are the benefits of scientific production of the nutrition of an entire country?
Maximum Production of Food
Contribution to the Economy
Convenience to Consumers
Who could argue with these benefits? Industrialized Agriculture is estimated to feed 6 million people worldwide. However, the actuality of Industrialized Agriculture is the following:
Maximum Production of Food – More livestock, crops and farm raised fish are being ‘produced’ for consumption. This production entails genetic engineering; chickens fully maturing in 45 days instead of 90+days. Cattle ranches holding thousands of cattle in small pens that do not allow for adequate movement or sanitation. Increased production of corn, over 80 million acres of corn crops, to support the mass production of livestock as a vital feed ingredient and to support its increased usage in a multitude of food and industrial products.
Contribution to the Economy – American Farmers are working with a limited amount of space. Space for farming does not increase, it decreases over time. Farmers rely on governmental subsidies to stay afloat. All subsidies provide extra income for the farmers and create a price floor for the commodity. However, based on the lobbyists in Washington, the actual commodities and the value of the subsidy depend on the crop. Currently corn is the top commodity for subsidy payments.
Convenience to Consumers – Consumers can enjoy a wealth of foods (seasonal included) all year round, with almost no lapse in availability. But picking tomatoes early and injecting them with or introducing various chemical cocktails to them, they can ripen in my bathroom medicine cabinet. Customers can get enjoy the chemically treated and factory produced foods that they love with a quick trip to their local market.
Nutritional Safety – Genetically engineered food and livestock being produces in a design of factory production. You’ve seen the photos, chickens in coops that are kept dark literally living in their own filth. Mad Cow disease being passed from livestock to spinach crops through water run-off.
Nothing I have said thus far cannot be found through surface research on the matter; seek and thou shall find. I will leave you with these final thoughts:
In 2005, Four Meat Packaging Giants had acquired production of over 80% of the beef, 60% of the pork and 50% of chickens in American slaughterhouses. These companies supply their biggest customer, the fast food industry and tailor their operations for the purpose of meeting the demand. These companies also have the financial ability to impact policy.
Poor people find it more economical to purchase fast food as opposed to fruits and vegetables. Poor diet leads to increased chances of various health problems and concerns; diabetes, heart problems, respiratory problems, etc. Local, state and federal government spend millions on nutritional programs aimed at low income individuals and families to attempt to keep them happy and drive down medical and RX costs.
Food is different. Have you seen a teenager lately? They are huge, built on a lifetime of consumption of genetically engineered foods, chemicals, 20 time bathed in ammonia meats has changed our children, families and country.
In the end, business is business. Money Talks, Bull-ish Walks. Walmart offers its customers Stonyfield Farms Organic products because they asked for it. A Major US Food Company brought Stonyfield Farms for Billions, but did not take over the management of the company because there is billions to be made in the organic foods industry. So, as a consumer, you have the choice to demand the quality food products you want for your family. Your dollar impacts the production. If we don’t purchase it, they won’t make it.
http://www.foodincmovie.com/about-the-film.php
http://www.foodincmovie.com/reading-list.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agricultural_subsidy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_agriculture
http://www.wikinvest.com/commodity/Corn
http://www.sustainabletable.org/issues/processing/
Friday, March 26, 2010
Census, Urgency and Accountabillity
Today, I completed the 2010 Census. In ink. In 2010. I read the form about 6 times searching for the web site to complete the Census, the 2010 Census. After I completed the demographic information about the 3 people who inhabit my personal space every day, I was prepared to answer additional questions. According to http://www.census.gov/ (who has a Facebook page and a Blog) the census impacts: People and Households and Business and Industry, by forecasting the populations future needs. This caused me to question how the government or any person for that matter can determine my specific community needs based on my age, gender and ethnicity? I anticipated questions about education and/or employment or career information. Apparently Education will not allow strategic development of appropriate services in neighborhoods. Employment experience would not provide valuable forecasting information about the skills and expertise of a city. In my head echoed voices from my childhood of people in my African American community that said the Census equated to Big Brother knowing your business.
These voices were followed by the Census commercials, which budget estimates place at costing $140 MILLION (http://2010.census.gov/news/pdf/advertising_budget.pdf) telling Americans that the Census would help identify where new schools and jobs were needed. As soon as I thought about the government helping households and industry I thought, what would someone believe my house required. Consisting of a 29 Year-old African American/Black or Negro woman with a 4 year old African American daughter and her 23 Year-old African American brother; Single Black-female, 1 black female of a single parent household, 1 creepy Uncle in the backroom. Who determines what my community receives? Someone who views my Census responses stereotypically?
These voices were followed by the Census commercials, which budget estimates place at costing $140 MILLION (http://2010.census.gov/news/pdf/advertising_budget.pdf) telling Americans that the Census would help identify where new schools and jobs were needed. As soon as I thought about the government helping households and industry I thought, what would someone believe my house required. Consisting of a 29 Year-old African American/Black or Negro woman with a 4 year old African American daughter and her 23 Year-old African American brother; Single Black-female, 1 black female of a single parent household, 1 creepy Uncle in the backroom. Who determines what my community receives? Someone who views my Census responses stereotypically?
- Welfare District Budget and Re-Assignment Activities
- Low-Income Childcare Services
- Free-Low Income Health Services
- Increased Small Business Loans Earmarked for Bars, Deli's (specializing in 40 oz. beers), etc.
- Introduction of Half-way Houses and Offender Services
Or will some of the services that are truly beneficial to my household result from my participation in the Census?
- Operating Recreation Center
- Creative Arts School for a 4 year old who is claiming she will be the First Female President that is also a Professional Ballerina.
- Library's, Supermarkets, Public Transportation Routes, etc.
- Jobs
- Access to Small Business Loans
- Student Grant Allowances
As I thought if this it reminded me of what a close friend who will remain nameless (for now) said a few days earlier. She asked, 'Where are all the people who maintain the streets and beautification in the cities nicer neighborhoods'. I looked at her and said, 'It's us'. She looked utterly surprised and I can understand why, our parents and grandparents maintained the neighborhood. Early in the morning the adults got up and maintained their homes and their neighbors homes; during the week and on weekends. Entire families tackled seasonal maintenance on coordinated days throughout the year. The entire community pitched in an collectively took responsibility for their community.
Lacking in our society on so many instances is a lack of accountability to home and family and business and industry. Providing developmental services and not poverty enabling and sustaining programs would re-introduce the values of individual, community values. Values coupled with accountability can lead to developmental opportunities which can lead to the straightening of communities at a grassroots level that with resound in the strengthening of America's workforce. In 2000, the United States Census Bureau employed over 800,000 Americans, the 2010 employment figures have not been finalized, however the anticipated number will top the 2000 figure.
Because the 2010 Census can impact the financial stability of over 800,000 American households directly, so can the decisions made from the responses of Millions of American families. But in addition, if the government fails to provide for a communities needs, that the individuals, households, business and industries living, playing and earning within those communities maintain its wealth of inherently specific human capital.
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